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The Impact of the Skagit Bridge Collapse

I live in the Bellingham (Washington) area. Bellingham is a college town on the water and only an hour drive from the mountains, almost half way between Seattle and Vancouver BC. I wrote most of this post last Friday. The day after the I5 Skagit Bridge collapse.

Now how am I supposed to get to Bellingham?

This was circulating around Facebook last Friday. What I was thinking was “Now how am I supposed to leave Bellingham?”

Note: Skagit is pronounced as if the “g” were a “j”, and the a is soft as in apple. Ska(pple)-jit

I live roughly half way between the Canadian border and the bridge (which is no longer) over the Skagit River in Burlington. You’ve probably heard about it in the news (Seattle, Canada, England).

I am so happy that no one died in the collapse and that the people who were injured were in stable condition this morning. Timing could have been much worse. An hour earlier and traffic would have been heavier. A day later and traffic would have been terrible. Middle of the night, and there wouldn’t have been the same visibility to rescue people from the river.

What keeps going through my mind is how sweet it was that one of my brothers called. “Heh, did you hear? About the bridge?”

It was his way of saying “Yay! You called me back, you weren’t there.” He’s sweet even if he doesn’t want to admit it.

I am curious (and a bit worried) about how the bridge outage will impact daily life, and how it will impact our local economy.

On a personal level, until the bridge is fixed I will definitely be visiting family to the south less frequently. In good traffic the detours will take half an hour to an hour, making the drive to my mom’s about 2-2.5 hours. Each direction.

This will happen because I5 is the primary north-south road in NW Washington. There aren’t many alternate routes (especially in the Burlington area and north), and none of them are capable of handling the volume of traffic that typically uses the bridge (apparently 71000 cars per day).

Not to mention the semis. I5 is the primary route for trade between BC and the Seattle area. I have no idea how many Semis travel that stretch of road, but I do know that Burlington and Mt Vernon’s small town streets are the best path for them to take (I really feel for people who live there).

The best alternates that avoid town are two lane highways. One is windy, forested, and really not friendly to heavy traffic or big trucks. The other is a nice straight farm highway, and the traffic will probably not mix well with the farm tractors in the area.

A lot has happened in the past week. One of the highlights is a temporary bridge span is planned to be placed in the next several weeks. I’m excited about that because it means I can get back to visiting family and friends down south every few weeks without worrying as much about the traffic.

Another image circulating on Facebook.

Another image circulating on Facebook.

It also means my original concern, and the entire reason I started this post, will become a (mostly) irrelevant. My concern was that the increased travel time (which isn’t quite as bad as I’d expected, based upon what I’m hearing around the office) and travel distance would cause an increase in costs over the next year, and that those increases would be passed along to the consumers.

Semis will still need to detour around the temporary bridge, but the detour won’t be required for the average driver so it will be faster for everyone.

So that was my train of thought on this subject. Started a week ago, and finally finished because I am not allowing myself to start new posts without finishing old ones anymore.

Yay,  progress!

On a related note: WSDOT added a camera to view construction progress on the bridge!

Image automatically refreshes every 2 minutes. Click image to view the WSDOT traffic cameras page.

They also just added two cameras to view detour routes on SR20 and George Hopper Road.

Also, whoever administers the @wsdot twitter account does a fantastic job!

Report Testing Guide for End Users

This is a basic testing guide that I prepared after searching fruitlessly for a guide to give the system users at work. Originally posted here.

Please feel free to share your thoughts about how this can be improved, expanded, made more generic, adapted for other uses, etc.


Why do I need to test?

Testing is essential to making sure that any report or system enhancement is accurate and works as expected. The IT team tests as thoroughly as possible, however there are several reasons that testing should be done by the end user as well:

  1. You are much more familiar with your piece of the system than IT is. SAP is a new system for all of us. While you have been learning how your processes function in SAP, we have been providing cut-over support, learning the data structures, and learning how to look up limited pieces of the data.

  2. YOU are the expert in your area of the business. The IT team has limited familiarity with how you use the system. We are constantly learning where various data elements are and how things interact, but we don’t yet know enough about the operations of any business area to consider ourselves experts. YOU are the expert.

  3. Customer satisfaction is important, and YOU are our customer. You are our customer, and it is important to us that the solutions that we provide meet your expectations and needs.

Types of Testing

Testing can vary quite a bit in complexity depending upon the project and the stage of development. There are three essential types of testing for reports:

  1. Interface Review: Validating that the search criteria and columns included in the report are correct and working as expected.

  2. Data Validation: Detailed review of the data presented in the report in comparison to the source system (SAP) to identify any fields that may be incorrect.

  3. Usability Testing: Testing the report as you would normally use it. This testing can help uncover issues in presentation or in the data included in the report that were overlooked in the Interface review and Data Validation.

Identifying Errors

If any problems are found encountered for any of the tests, they need to be documented and sent to the IT team for review.

For problems encountered during Interface Review:

  1. The exact search criteria used
  2. If you received an error: what that error was and instructions for how to reproduce the error. (Screenshots are always welcome!)
  3. If there was a problem with the results, details about how the results differed from expectation.

For problems encountered during Data Validation:

  1. Example transaction
  2. Which column is incorrect
  3. The incorrect data shown
  4. What the correct data should actually be
  5. Where to see the correct data in SAP.

For problems encountered during Usability Testing:

  1. If a data issue is found, then provide the information listed under Data Validation.
  2. If another issue is found, then outline what the issue is and the requested change.

Report Testing Checklist

Interface Review:

#

Test

Pass/Fail

Problems Encountered

1

Are all required columns present?

2

Are all column names correct?

3

Is the sort order for the results correct?

4

Are all required search criteria present?

5

Are all search criteria names correct?

6

Are default search criteria appropriate?

7

Do all search criteria work properly?

8

Are there any other issues or changes needed?

Data Validation:

The following apply to EVERY column.

#

Test

Pass/Fail

Problems Encountered

1

Is the data format correct?

2

Is there data in every column that should contain data?

3

Validate the data shown on the report: If the report contains multiple types of transaction (for example: notification types or billing document types), check at least two of each. Compare the report to what is shown on the transaction(s) in SAP.

4

Validate calculations: If the report contains any calculations (sub-total, days past due, etc), validate that against the other data on the report and against data from SAP.

5

If this report replaces an existing report or data pull that you use, then compare results between the two reports. Do you notice any issues?

6

Are there any other issues or changes needed?

Usability Testing:

Consider how you would use the report in the normal course of business, then test the report as if it were considered live.

Warning: Do not share results from the report or base decisions upon the report unless you have completed Data Validation testing without any issues.

#

Test

Pass/Fail

Problems Encountered

1

If you would provide the report to a customer, then export it and prepare it for the customer. Do you notice any issues?

2

If you would use the report for operational analysis, then export it and work through a sample analysis. Do you notice any issues?

3

If you would use this report to review data periodically (such as checking on the status of a sales order or work order), then use it as needed for a day or two. Do you notice any issues?

Sign Off

When the report has passed all of your tests, it will be ready to be made live. Ultimately, you are as responsible as IT to ensure that your report is accurate prior to us making it live.

Before the report is considered live, we will ask you to approve making it live via email. This will be considered your Sign Off that the report is complete and accurate.

Creative Commons License
End User Testing Guide for Reports by Amanda Thomas is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

An end user testing guide

One of the most interesting (and often frustrating) changes at work since the merger completed has been trying to help the users understand that I am no longer an expert in our systems and processes. It is a complete shift from what we are all used to.

For the past couple months we’ve been working on building reporting with SAP data to replace the reporting that we had before the merger. I’ve learned a LOT about the data and have honed my Google-fu (so much that one of the experienced SAP users recently referred to me as an SAP wizard when I was able to tell him which tables to look to for descriptions of sales document types and billing document types).

The challenge has been testing. Since I used to know the system and processes so well, I used to do the majority of the testing for new reports or when we made system changes. When end users tested system changes, I would give them a checklist of specific things to test for, types of transactions to test with, and types of issues to look out for. When they tested reports, it was mostly about making sure the columns and search criteria they needed were there. But in both cases they didn’t need to test extensively because I’d already worked with the dev team to eliminate every bug I could find (and I am damn proficient at finding bugs, if I do say so myself).

A couple of weeks ago we got to the point where we’d  developed a bunch of reports, most of them were in various stages of testing but a few had been tested by the users, had bug fixes, and been made live. And for two in particular several rounds of fixes had happened after making them live.

I needed to find a quick and relatively hands-off way of getting the users equipped to test reports. It needed to be quick and hands-off because I had ten reports in development with at least as many people (in three time zones) involved in testing, and because I was having a hard time keeping up with the dev team as it was.

After searching for a quick user testing guide with no luck, I decided to make my own. And I decided since this appears to be something that is lacking in general, I thought I’d share.

So without further adieu, here is a quick testing guide for reports (that can be easily tweaked for other testing as well).

UPDATE 13 May 2013: This has received a bit more traffic than I’d anticipated, so I’ve also created a page dedicated to the testing guide. If you have comments, recommendations, questions, etc, please post them on that page. Any future revisions will be made there.


Why do I need to test?

Testing is essential to making sure that any report or system enhancement is accurate and works as expected. The IT team tests as thoroughly as possible, however there are several reasons that testing should be done by the end user as well:

  1. You are much more familiar with your piece of the system than IT is. SAP is a new system for all of us. While you have been learning how your processes function in SAP, we have been providing cutover support, learning the data structures, and learning how to look up limited pieces of the data.

  2. YOU are the expert in your area of the business. The IT team has limited familiarity with how you use the system. We are constantly learning where various data elements are and how things interact, but we don’t yet know enough about the operations of any business area to consider ourselves experts. YOU are the expert.

  3. Customer satisfaction is important, and YOU are our customer. You are our customer, and it is important to us that the solutions that we provide meet your expectations and needs.

Types of Testing

Testing can vary quite a bit in complexity depending upon the project and the stage of development. There are three essential types of testing for reports:

  1. Interface Review: Validating that the search criteria and columns included in the report are correct and working as expected.

  2. Data Validation: Detailed review of the data presented in the report in comparison to the source system (SAP) to identify any fields that may be incorrect.

  3. Usability Testing: Testing the report as you would normally use it. This testing can help uncover issues in presentation or in the data included in the report that were overlooked in the Interface review and Data Validation.

Identifying Errors

If any problems are found encountered for any of the tests, they need to be documented and sent to the IT team for review.

For problems encountered during Interface Review:

  1. The exact search criteria used
  2. If you received an error: what that error was and instructions for how to reproduce the error. (Screenshots are always welcome!)
  3. If there was a problem with the results, details about how the results differed from expectation.

For problems encountered during Data Validation:

  1. Example transaction
  2. Which column is incorrect
  3. The incorrect data shown
  4. What the correct data should actually be
  5. Where to see the correct data in SAP.

For problems encountered during Usability Testing:

  1. If a data issue is found, then provide the information listed under Data Validation.
  2. If another issue is found, then outline what the issue is and the requested change.

Report Testing Checklist

Interface Review:

#

Test

Pass/Fail

Problems Encountered

1

Are all required columns present?

2

Are all column names correct?

3

Is the sort order for the results correct?

4

Are all required search criteria present?

5

Are all search criteria names correct?

6

Are default search criteria appropriate?

7

Do all search criteria work properly?

8

Are there any other issues or changes needed?

Data Validation:

The following apply to EVERY column.

#

Test

Pass/Fail

Problems Encountered

1

Is the data format correct?

2

Is there data in every column that should contain data?

3

Validate the data shown on the report: If the report contains multiple types of transaction (for example: notification types or billing document types), check at least two of each. Compare the report to what is shown on the transaction(s) in SAP.

4

Validate calculations: If the report contains any calculations (subtotal, days past due, etc), validate that against the other data on the report and against data from SAP.

5

If this report replaces an existing report or data pull that you use, then compare results between the two reports. Do you notice any issues?

6

Are there any other issues or changes needed?

Usability Testing:

Consider how you would use the report in the normal course of business, then test the report as if it were considered live.

Warning: Do not share results from the report or base decisions upon the report unless you have completed Data Validation testing without any issues.

#

Test

Pass/Fail

Problems Encountered

1

If you would provide the report to a customer, then export it and prepare it for the customer. Do you notice any issues?

2

If you would use the report for operational analysis, then export it and work through a sample analysis. Do you notice any issues?

3

If you would use this report to review data periodically (such as checking on the status of a sales order or work order), then use it as needed for a day or two. Do you notice any issues?

Sign Off

When the report has passed all of your tests, it will be ready to be made live. Ultimately, you are as responsible as IT to ensure that your report is accurate prior to us making it live.

Before the report is considered live, we will ask you to approve making it live via email. This will be considered your Sign Off that the report is complete and accurate.

Creative Commons License
End User Testing Guide for Reports by Amanda Thomas is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

Too many things that I want to do, not enough time.

I’m constantly plagued by wanting to do, play, read, and watch too many things. I get into one, and get distracted by the next. It is the story of my life (and part of why I post here so rarely.

Recently, I’ve been making an effort to be on the computer less (and when I am on the computer to not play the same thing all the time). I’m now in the middle of a few craft projects:

  • Learning to crochet – It’s an on going process, and I mostly fiddle with it when I’m watching shows with my hubby. I’ve finished 2 things so far, and I’m free forming a blanket for my cats to lay on/play with now (since they love crocheted things so much).
  • Painting miniatures – I’m painting some Big Lebowski miniatures that I got for my brother and Hubby for Christmas. Many hours to go before I complete these, many other miniatures to paint when I’m done (more warmachine minis, and then my Stonehaven dwarven adventurers), and more coming in May (Relic Knights!).
  • The game box! – I have an old wooden box that I’m decorating and will use to store smallish games (Cards Against Humanity, Gloom, Fluxx, etc) for ease of transport.
  • To Do List Chalk Board – This one is kinda self explanatory

I want to work on all of them, but of course, I can’t do it all in one night. On top of that I have been yearning to play EQ2 (I haven’t played in so long that I probably need to reinstall), and I’m sure by the time I get home I’ll either want to play Guild Wars 2 or Orcs Must Die 2 with Hubby.

And of course, I’m constantly thinking about updating my blog at the worst times (like right now… Come on Amanda, break time is over…).

So what to do tonight, THAT is the question.

Image

Good #@(%ing Advice

Good #@(%ing Advice

I was having a very grumpy day the other day when I happened to stumble upon a non-censored version of this poster. I freaking love it. I did a bit of searching and it is from a website called Good Fucking Design Advice. (The not-clean version is here.)

This is (mostly) good life advice, not just good design advice. If I could get away with it, I’d love to hang this in my office.

 

I love change, until I hate it.

I have a strange love of change in my work place. I get bored quickly doing the same type of work repeatedly. The more things change, the more my job remains interesting. This is generally good for me because my job typically has a lot of variety, it all leads to some sort of change, small (like new reports to help improve process) or large (such as new system implementations).

When going into a project, I have always been the first to admit that change can be difficult, but that I am weird and LOVE change. I think my enthusiasm usually sets others at ease, although sometimes it can also mislead others about the complexity of the undertaking.

A year ago, the company I work for was bought by another company. I spent most of the year working on the systems integration project with a team from both companies, including about a third of 2012 traveling to the new headquarters on the east coast. In November, the companies officially merged and the system changes went into effect. It meant an ERP (SAP) change for half of the organization and a CRM (SalesForce.com) change the other half of the organization, among a bunch of other changes.

Throughout the process I did the same type of work that I’ve done for the past five plus years: a mix of Business Systems Analyst (geek-to-business-translation) work and Project Management.  Unfortunately, my BSA work was all focused on the legacy systems, not the systems that we were consolidating to.

Once the go-live data issues settled down and my focus changed to the new system rather than the old, I became horribly overwhelmed.

At the risk of sounding like a corporate dweeb… I have prided myself for years on being a change agent of some sort and as part of that, hand holding others through change, and always having the answers.

Last week, I realized that I was struggling with the change. It was taking me days to get through something that would have taken just a few hours in our old system, purely because I didn’t know the database structure and didn’t know the system well enough to find the data sources without help. I didn’t want to ask for help, because I never need help. (“Never” was definitely an oversimplification.)

It was a huge blow to my ego to realize that I was struggling with the change. And then in the back of my head I heard the advice that I give everyone else: “How are they going to know that you need help if you don’t say something? You won’t learn if you don’t ask.”

I eventually got my head out of my ass and asked for help. Things are still taking me longer than they used to, but that’s part of learning a new system (another piece of advice that I often give others and ignore when it applies to myself).

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m good at change when I realize that change is happening to me, but when it sneaks up on me or I am not in control in some way I can be really bad at it.

Or perhaps I’ll just blame the SAD, I’m sure that had some influence. (By the way, in case you were curious, the light therapy thing I got is working fantastically.)

I have a SAD

Everyone feels depressed once in a while. Maybe I do more than most people, but usually it is easy for me to explain. Not this time. This time I’ve been struggling to keep the tears away, to stay focused at work, and to do some things that I would normally love to do. But I didn’t know why, and that was only making it worse.

Sunday morning while I was driving to my mom’s house in Everett, the sky turned so dark from the clouds that it looked like dusk. For a moment I thought I’d lost all track of time and what I was doing, and then I remembered that I live in the North West.

That is the beginning of the train of thought that reminded me that I’ve had problems with SAD before.

SAD, explained with a graph.
(From amazon.com. Clicking will take you to a product page. Because I’d rather give them free advertising than plagiarize.)

For those who may not know what SAD is: SAD is an acronym for seasonal affective disorder. It is a form of depression that is typically tied to the lack of sunshine in winter months (although it can be the opposite as well). In addition to what you would typically do to fight depression, SAD can be treated by getting more natural or artificial sunlight and taking vitamin D.

It is a relatively common problem in the northwest because of the short days (sunrise around 8:00 AM and sunset around 4:00 PM in the winter) and the often overcast weather. For most people it is just annoying, but for some of us it can be debilitating.

My SAD is far worse this year than what I remember from years past. I suspect that there are two main reasons that it is worse this year: First, October, November, and early December were exceptionally stressful for me (particularly at work).

Second, I spent a lot of time in the sun this past summer between fantastic weather in Washington (home) and Maryland (where I was traveling for work), spending quite a bit of time outside when I wasn’t working, and having a desk with natural light all summer. In late October, I moved to an office on the interior of the building at work and have very little natural light. I get to work before sunrise and usually leave after dark. The only natural light I have been getting is the 10-15 minutes that I go out to get lunch most days.

While I was visiting family on Sunday, I spent some time with my brother’s Happy Light. It is probably just my imagination, but it seems to have made a difference already. I ordered myself a different brand of light therapy box, and I am hopeful that it will help.

That is just the start. Hubby and I are talking about it more, and I need to make sure that I am doing things that actually feel productive (like crocheting and spending time with friends, instead of spending all weekend playing video games).

This post is a bit more personal than what I’d normally post here. I decided to share for a bunch of reasons. At the core is that I’ve realized in the past year (probably in large part to reading Jenny Lawson’s blog and book) how important it is to let your friends and family know when you’re having depression issues.

If you’re struggling, you’re not alone. Ask for help.

Belated post: With Gratitude

I spent Thanksgiving weekend 2010 (nearly two years ago) feeling very thankful. During that time, I started writing the post below, but I didn’t finish. I now present to you my completed (and after) thoughts

On Thanksgiving in 2009 I spent the day with my in-laws. We were at Grandma’s house,  with Hubby’s parents, brother, sister-in-law, Aunt and Uncle, cousins, and (of course) Grandma. We celebrated Thanksgiving in their traditional way; Oyster stuffing (made specifically because Grandma thinks Hubby likes it), Poopernickel Bread (there’s an inside joke here), green bean casserole, turkey, and wine.

That Thanksgiving I had a migraine. While the rest of the family visited and played games, I took my netbook and hid in a dark, quiet room, and started writing (I was hiding because of the migraine, I’m not really that antisocial). I joined WordPress, created this blog, and wrote my first two mediocre posts; one as a brief introduction, the other as a letter of thanks to my friends and family.

Thanksgiving 2010 was spent with my family (4 siblings, 2 nieces, 5 cousins, Mom, Aunt and Uncle, Grandparents, and various boyfriends and girlfriends of cousins and siblings. It was the first time in several years that myself, my 4 siblings, and the 5 cousins had been all together in many years, and it was very nice. [I originally had something witty that I was going to say about my family's Thanksgiving traditions, but have since forgotten.]

To all of my family and friends, who supported me while I was in school. To Lisa, Michelle, and Keri for being the best team that I could ever hope for in our business simulation project. To my nieces for being my constant source of inspiration to finish school. To Kreg, for always prodding me in the right way to keep me motivated to work toward my dream. To my D&D group, for working around my schedule so that I can be part of the once-per-month drinking and dragons session. To each of you – I am eternally grateful.

The main focus in my life in the fall of 2010 was finishing my bachelor’s degree. To me it was an important step to move my career forward as well as a very important personal goal. While I was mostly doing it for me, I also knew that it was important to my family.

I had no idea how important until my surprise graduation party and later reading something my brother wrote in his blog. I still tear up when thinking about both the party, my brother’s kind words, and how much the support of my friends meant during that time.

So many half written posts…

I’m at the Minneapolis St Paul Airport killing time while I wait for my flight home. It is the best quiet “me” time that I’ve had in weeks. It is unbelievably nice.

I’ve had the itch to start writing here again for a few months, but I’ve been so busy (spent half of the past six months away from home) that even though I’ve started several posts I’ve had a hard time making time to finish them.

It looks like I’ll actually have time to write again soon. So now I’m contemplating whether to start with the back story (what has happened in the past year) or to start with what is going on now…

Regret

When I was twenty seven, the only cousin I’d ever been close to (and one of the best friends I’d ever had) died suddenly. I still clearly remember hearing she was in the hospital.

It was a Saturday night, and I had just gotten home from a friend’s bachelorette party. I was tipsy, and giggly, and tired. The next day was my mom’s birthday, and I regretted that I wasn’t going to be able to visit.

I was trying to be quiet while I got ready for bed, but my husband woke up. He had gotten a call from my mom, Christa was in the hospital and unconscious. I needed to call.

I called right then, but Mom didn’t know any more than Hubby had told me. I’m sure I spoke to Dad at some point the next day, but I don’t remember. I waited to hear what was going on. Was she going to be alright? What had happened? She was in the hospital for a routine surgery, so how did she end up in a coma?

Sunday passed, and nothing changed. Looking back, I don’t remember Sunday really.

Monday was one of the most difficult work days of my life. I got to work, spoke to my manager about leaving early, and called my mom to pick me up. While I waited for her to arrive, I desperately tried to get in contact with anyone who would know what was going on.

It was mid morning when Mom arrived. Not knowing whether it was okay to visit, or anything new even, I decided not to rush. We stopped for coffee, tried to call again, and then made our way to University Hospital.

It was when we arrived that I finally got through to someone at my aunt and uncle’s house. One of Christa’s brothers answered the phone (Isaac  I think). He didn’t have any news for me, and said I should go into the hospital to see the family. He was in a hurry to get off of the phone.

Mom finished her cigarette, and we made our way into the hospital. The hospital staff asked who I was visiting, and directed me to the waiting area near Christa’s room. Mom and I ran into Aunt Mary on the elevator. I don’t remember what Aunt Mary said, but I’m sure she was the one who told me that Christa had passed.

The rest is a fog. I remember Jolene being incredibly happy to see me. Fourteen, having just lost her sister, and still smiling and laughing. I will always admire the strength she had that day. Uncle Aaron and Aunt Robin as well. Each sitting and talking with the many friends and family who had gathered. Aunt Mary offered to take me to see Christa. To say good bye.

I wasn’t prepared.

I’d been to more than my share of funerals. In four years , we’d lost five on that side of my family (two uncles, an aunt, and both grandparents). We joked (in very poor taste) that the family only got together for funerals. It was at the last of those funerals that Christa and I worked out our differences and began to repair our friendship.

When I walked into her room, she was still on life support. Christa was an organ donor. Aunt Mary had tried to warn me. Seeing Christa so soon after death, with the machines breathing for her… I wanted to believe that it was all a mistake. That she was still alive. I expected her to sit up at any moment and shout “BOO”. I begged her to.

I silently wished she would wake up and tell me it was all a bad joke.

Aunt Mary said that they didn’t know what had happened. One moment she was fine, talking to the lady in the bed next to her, and the next she was quiet. Her neighbor assumed she’d drifted to sleep. But the next morning she didn’t wake up.

As Mom and I were leaving, Jolene stopped us. She had been going through Christa’s day planner, and found several pictures that she wanted us to have. Pictures of my sister and I, and several of my niece.

A short time later Mom and I sat outside the hospital under the trees by Portage Bay. I picked at a chocolate chip cookie while I tried to convince myself of the terrible truth. Christa was dead.

I used to blame myself. To think that if I hadn’t waited until Monday to visit, or if we hadn’t stopped for coffee, I might have gotten to the hospital in time. I might have been able to talk to her and wake her up.

For weeks I couldn’t get through a day at work without needing to step outside of the office while I fought back tears. I was afraid to hurt in the same way again, so I pushed everyone away. My friends. My sister. Even my husband. For months there was nothing but my pain and everything that I did to try to bury it.

Christa wasn’t even thirty. She hadn’t found the love of her life yet. She would never become a mother. We would never go camping together again. Never go dancing together. Never have another pizza and movie night. Never again watch the Princess Bride and sing along during the end credits.

And then I realized what I’d done. Christa would have wanted me to be a big sister to Jolene, and to move on. Slowly I’ve repaired the damage, one step at a time, but I have never been able to work up the courage to reach out to Jolene. It is probably way too late now to be a big sister sort of figure.

Last week marks the seventh anniversary of her passing, and the first where the day passed without my realizing. I miss the friendship that I had with Christa as much as ever. But I can now smile and remember the great times we had together when we were teenagers and how grateful I am that we were able to move past our differences as adults.

I really have no idea how I got on this train of thought tonight. Regret can be super powerful. There are so many things that I wish Christa had been able to experience, and so many things that I regret not saying. But more than anything else, I regret how much I allowed the loss to affect me.

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